One Thing I Can Control
by UnknownNewsie
Summary: Steph and Morelli are at an off again relationship....Ranger is still baiting her.....FTA's still stalking her......What can a girl do?
1. Chapter 1

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Disclaimer: Don't own anything. But I wish I did.

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**Chapter One**

McDonalds. Give me a burger, fries, and a coke and I'll live happily ever after. The best kind of food for hangovers. What else can I say? I hardly ever drink and when I do, it only takes a couple of shots. Usually I have a drink or two for distraction, or if I'm with Morelli….well, lets not go there.

I'm Stephanie Plum, also know as the Bombshell Bounty Hunter. I never liked that name. Its ridiculous….so I've blown up a few cars, was "kinda-involved" in a funeral burning, and have had the worst time with stalkers. I guess I've been lucky. Ever since I was laid off working as a lingerie seller I've been working for Vincent Plum, my distant cousin as a Bond Enforcement Agent. Chasing after skinny white boys and fat men, who on occasion are giving me the chance of seeing them naked…….whew!

I do have an _okay _body. I'm on the all chicken wing, Boston crème donuts, upside down pineapple cake, and the daily McDonalds diet. Sure, if it wasn't for my Hungarian genes I'd probably be a blimp. I also inherited my hand gestures and my untamed brown curly afro from the Italian side.

I quickly chugged the rest of my coke in the "Big Blue" and sat in front of the bond office. "Big Blue" was a '53 Buick that my dad couldn't appreciate enough. I looked in my mirror and saw that there were dark circles underneath my eyes, my hair was unruly, and there were a couple of scratches on my face. I was wearing a sweatshirt with spandex shorts underneath and new white tennis shoes. I walked into the office and right to the couch.

"Hey girl! What's up with your face? Get into a fight with a cat?" Lula asked as she kneeled down to do some filing, something she **_NEVER_** did. Lula was an ex-hooker who usually spent her time riding shotgun with me while I was after some FTA's (failed to appear).

"I ran into Joyce." Eeek. Joyce Barnhardt. I hated her. While I was married to Dickie Orr she decided she'd come over and for a house-welcoming gift she gave my husband (now ex-husband) the time of his life on our newly polished dining room table.

"What happened?" Connie asked as she stopped painting her nails a bright red.

"Ugh." I laid back on the couch and sighed. "All I wanted was to have a quiet night doing distraction for Ranger. But no, she had to come and start shit."

"What'd that skank say?" Lula questioned as she stopped filing and sat by me.

"Stuff about her and Joe. How I couldn't keep a guy. Basically all the things I already knew but never heard someone else say it."

"Oh sweetheart, don't think that. She has sex with Vinnie….you think you should take her word? She barks like a dog. I'm sure she oinks like a pig too." Connie said, if I wanted to I could ask Connie to ask her husband to get rid of Joyce for me. Connie didn't talk about it much, but she was related to the mob whether she liked it or not. I grew up listening to stories about her family. They were legendary. I heard a sudden intake of breath and knew it was either Ranger or a man dressed up as a jelly-filled donut, which sounded really good about now.

"Anything new?" Ranger asked Connie. I opened up one eye and saw him dressed in his usual, black slacks, black shirt, hair tied back……one word, _YUM!_. He looked at me and did his half-smile, "Can I talk to you outside?" I nodded and followed him outside into the alley. He pushed me up against the wall and kissed me lightly on the lips. "What happened?" He asked as he touched the scratch marks on my face."

"Ran into Joyce after your distraction last night."  
"Babe." I pushed him off and started to pace in front of him. "What's going on?" I stopped and looked at him. The concern showing in his eyes. What was I going to say? '_My job is driving me to the brink of insanity' _?

"Nothing." Ranger and me go way back. Okay, I lied. We've known each other ever since I started this job. Since then I've blown up tons of cars, captured many FTA's, had a handful of stalkers who could break into my apartment, and had this dilemma with him and Morelli.

Joseph Morelli and I have known each other since we were little. He was Italian and a cop with the nicest ass in Jersey. He taught me the Choo Choo game when I was little and then taught me the sequel of it on the bakery floor while I was in high school. I ran him over with the Buick and broke his leg and then he was my first FTA. How lucky could I get? We've been in this on-off again relationship and now its completely off. He disliked….no wait, he hated my job and he couldn't handle the stress.

Ranger, on the other hand, didn't care about my job. He was a Cuban-American with a God-like body and a mocha-type skin color. He supported me and always protected me. Even if I felt like I didn't need it. Whenever I was near Ranger, I could never think straight. He told me once his life didn't lead to relationships….but then again, he told me he loved me…..in his own way.

"I smell something burning babe. Thinking?" I looked up at him and gave him my best smile.

"I'm taking the day off. Later." I walked off, holy crap! This was the first time I've ever left before Ranger. Breathe. Just breathe. I walked back into the office and told Connie I was taking the day off. Lula offered to come with but only responded with "_Just going home to sleep"_. I'm a terrific liar. I got into the Buick and headed down to the bar on 3rd and Laramie.

I sat by the bar and ordered an Ankle Breaker. After that drink I stopped at the Open Pantry and bought a case of beer and some wine coolers. I got back to my apartment, looked around to see if there were any stalkers lingering, and then put the drinks away. I put in Ghostbusters and listened to my messages. The first two were from my mom, the third was from Vinnie "_You have three FTA's and your taking a day off?" _and the fourth was from Morelli "_Call me when you get this." _Did I feel like calling anyone back? Nope. So did I? Nope. I took a couple of beers out of the fridge, grabbed the rest of my Ben & Jerry's and laid on the couch. Around 8pm, I heard my door unlock and knew who was coming in. Joe Morelli.

"Hey I brought over some Pino's pizza. Thought you could use some food since you never have any here." He walked over to the couch and saw the empty tub of Ben & Jerrys and the two empty beer bottles. "Have a bad day?" He looked at me and now realized how _gone _I was.

"Some days, I just need to sleep. Today I'm sleeping. Me go nighty night. Night Joe." I closed my eyes and felt Joe shake me alive again. "What do ya want?"

"How drunk are you?" He looked at me with a hint of concern in his voice.

"Well I stopped over at a bar earlier, had a couple of drinks then, came back here for a couple more. Have a problem with that?"

"Did you drive?"

"Of course! I wasn't that druuuuuuuunk!"

"Steph," He sat me up, "usually it only takes a couple of drinks to get you wasted. You know better then to drink and drive. What would've happened if you got pulled over?"

"I don't cares. Why are you here anyways? Shouldn't you be boinking Joyce by now?"

"What are you talking about? I think your imagination has taken over cupcake."

"I ran into Joyce last night. Said some pretty interesting things. So is that where you go when we're not together? Just tell me this, is she better in bed then me?" And before he could answer I passed out.

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	2. Chapter 2

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

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**Chapter 2**

I am Queen of Denial If someone accused me of blowing up a car, I didn't do it. If someone accused me of tackling a little person and making him fall to the bottom of the stairs, I didn't do it. _But I do know_ that if we ever run out of food, its definitely not my fault. That fault would fall on Lula.

All I asked for was for another bag of McDonalds and to meet me at the office. What happens? "**We thought we'd help you with your weight problem so you don't turn into a fat white chick" **Well guess what, the rate I'm going….I'm not going to need a diet. I've been puking for the past week from drinking and I don't think any food is left in my system.

"Girl what diet are you on?" Lula screeched when I walked in. She was in hot pink spandex pants and a white tank with pink lettering on it with a pink headband. "You don't even look like you eat!"

"Just been exercising more." **I'm such a good liar.** "And I haven't eaten Pino's in awhile." **Liar. You just had it a day ago. **"I guess this whole healthy eating thing is working for me." **Oh yea, real well, so well that your not even _ON THE DIET_! **

"I tried that whole healthy eating thing, but I just love food too much. But I could lose all this weight if I wanted." Lula said as she stuffed the rest of the files in a cabinet and sat on the couch.

"Any new FTA's?" I asked Connie. She was wearing a blue jean jumpsuit that made her hips look abnormally huge, her hair was teased to the size of her head, and her hoop earrings looked like they were going to eat her ears.

"Yeah you have three." She handed over the folders. "First one is Harold Pontiak. First time offender. Ran naked in the street and screamed obscenities. Second one is Lucy Carvello."

"How come I recognize that name?"

"She slept with Morelli freshman year in high school." _BAM! _There goes my day. I get to go pick up one of Morelli's skanks. But then again, I've been sleeping with him too. So I guess I'm the skank too. Boy, I need a drink.

"Who's the third victim?"

"Sally Sweet."

"Fuckin' A." Lula said. "I haven't talked to him in forever. Girl, shouldn't you keep track of him?"

"I called, he didn't answer, end of relationship." I looked down at Sally Sweet's file----Eh, he hit someone again. Figures. "You riding shotgun?" I asked Lula.

"Who else would save your skinny ass? You need a plus-sized woman like me to handle things." _Yeah, whatever. Just get in the damn car. _"Oh my god, I think I just wet myself." I heard Lula whisper and I knew then that Ranger walked in. I could feel the hair on the back of neck stand up.

"Here." He dropped a few body receipts on Connie's desk and kept his arm by my side. "Send the checks to Rangeman." He moved his hand up to my neck and directed me out of the office and to the alley again. He pushed me up against the wall, **_someone needs to tell this guy that this is getting old, _**he put his knee in between mine and started to kiss my neck. _Oh keep doing that. I don't mind the alley thing at all anymore. _"Babe. You left yesterday." He stopped kissing and just remained close.

"I'm having a bad week."

"You know better than to leave first." _Eeeeek! _"You've lost weight." It was more a statement then a question, but I still felt like I should answer.

"And?" What was I suppose to say? Helllllllllo! Earth to Stephanie! Think of something **smart **to say for once.

"Just an observation. So you haven't had a car blown up, no fires, no stalkers, and no panic over a zit……slow week?"

"No one has been skipping out til now." I held up the folders in my hand. "Can I please go? This whole thing drives me bonkers."

"Babe?"

"You want me. I get it. But I can't handle it. I can't handle anything anymore. Just leave me alone." And to my surprisement, I pushed Ranger away and got into Buick, waited for Lula and left.

"What did you and Batman talk about?"

"I just want him to leave me alone right now. I hate him just feeling me up and then nothing. And then I have Joe coming over and trying to patch things up. _Why can't they take the hint?" _I screeched the last part, not even knowing it.

"Girl, your having a breakdown aren't you? I always heard white chicks go crazy….I didn't believe it til now. I think we should pull over." Lula grabbed hold of her seatbelt and held on for dear life.

"I'm not going to get us killed. Not today." I smiled. _I'm one cruel bitch. _"Who should we get first?" I asked Lula.

"Lets go get Carvello. It'll make you feel better. Then we can go get some McDonalds. I could really use the nourishment." I glanced her way and snorted. Although I didn't think she heard me. **What the hell is up with me lately? I'm so cranky. Gawd, this better go away. **I pulled up on Lisbon and found the only pink townhouse on the road. Must be Lucy's. I parked in her driveway and put my gun into my waistband, _Hey look! There's room in my pants! _and then I put the pepper spray in my pocket. The handcuffs were in my back pocket and hell, I was ready.

I knocked on her door and she answered on the second knock in a plain white dress with white pearls around her neck. _A HOUSEWIFE! _This must be a real disappointing day for housewives….

"Hello, may I help you?"

"Hi Lucy. I'm Stephanie Plum, we went to high school together."

"Oh hello! I didn't even recognize you! How rude of me, would you like to come in?" She moved to the side to emphasize the invitation.

"No thanks, but I was wondering if you'd come with me." I backed her up to the door, faced her towards the door and cuffed her behind her back. "Your in violation of your bond. I'm taking you down the police station to get bonded out again."

"Oh I knew this was going to happen. Its just, with everything going on, its hard to keep track." I put her in the backseat and headed to the police station.

"It says you robbed a grocery store. Why would you do that? Aren't you married to Paul Downie?" I asked, trying to keep up conversation.

"I was having a bad day. The twins were driving me up the wall, Paul was flirting with girls at his Christmas Party, and I just wanted to do something fun again." She sighed and sat back more. "Remember when we used to oogle Morelli's ass?" _Heh, I still do._ "Man, that had to have been the best night of my life."

"Steph still has her nights with him." Lula stated. "She's got Supercop and Batman after her trail."

"Oooo who's Batman." And this is how the whole car ride went. I'm tired of it. I wanted to open my door and close it on my head a few times. I dropped Lucy off and got my receipt and headed back to the office when my cell phone rang.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Where are you?" _Ehhhh…Morelli's voice._

"Heading back to the office, why?"

"Just wondering. You left so quickly I couldn't talk to you."

"What'd you want to talk about."

"Last night." There was a couple of moments of silence when I heard him sigh. "Whatever you heard isn't true. You have to believe me. I love you." _I swear, I'm having a heart attack. _

"Don't worry about it. Its not that big of a deal. I'll talk to you later. There's a lot of static." And that is when I pulled off my famous static noise.

"Fuckin' A. That was the best static noise I've heard ever!" I smiled at Lula. **I am good.**

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